Panic Attacks and People Pleasing
Panic attacks don’t come out of nowhere although it can feel like that, and one of my jobs is to help people sense the earlier signs they are heading toward a panic attack.
I've had a handful of panic attacks in my life. A few in my teens, one or two in my 20's, and one in my 30's.
They're overwhelming and sometimes scary.
My most recent one (a while ago now) had been a decade since the last so as I began stuttering, chocking up and shaking I was taken by surprise.
Was I having a panic attack?!
After so many years?
It felt like it CAME OUT OF NOWHERE!
The reasons panic attacks can feel like they come out of no where is to do with the nervous systems sometimes GENTLE and CLEVER way of PROTECTING us.
'Caught unawares' panic attacks can stem from SUBTLE protective states - like dissociation or appeasement.
In this post I'll attend to APPEASEMENT ... dissociation is a longer convo!...
Appeasement evolved with mammals as they began to live in groups (crocodiles do not know how to appease!).
In our groups/societies appeasement supports harmony but it can also be IMPOSED through social power dynamics that favour guilt/shame and fear/oppression.
Appeasing someone we feel threatened by is a MATURE SKILL, and it can be kind or life saving. But if we're needing to appease an impossible-to-satisfy authority who holds our pay check each week, or we're constantly appeasing a volatile family member we can slip into THREAT RESPONSE territory.
Panic attacks can be exacerbated by being a PEOPLE PLEASER and/or perfectionist too.
I wouldn't call myself a people pleaser or a perfectionist - I'm too self centred for it ;). But... like everyone, I can get caught in the PEOPLE-PLEASING-SLIP-STEAM sometimes.
This was the fuel for my last panic attack when what started out as kindness turned into a relentless Maze-Runner puzzle of person pleasing.
In a final chocking conversation my nervous system gave way and an avalanche of physiological processes spewed forth - it was as if I simply exploded with the impossibility of ever appeasing this person.
Shaking, gasping.
I ran to my car.
And I drove to a park and let me NS do what it needed to do.
I called a friend.
And she listened with tenderness as the avalanche poured out my mouth.
People pleasing and/or appeasement is a slippery protective response, because it starts out as being NICE, being accomodating, being CARING and thoughtful, or just working collaboratively.
But once you switch into the protective response of appeasement you become zombie-like-desperate to get it right, to work out what you're meant to do, to keep the PEACE, to avoid ATTACK.
Appeasement covers up the rising panic because...
1) It's socially appropriate to be nice
2) We're so focused on making this person happy, we don't notice our nervous system is becoming dysregulated and we're reaching our limit - that's when panic comes out of no where!
3) If we're in a minority/low agency group appeasement must trump authenticity for safety.
Like all body awareness skills, it's about subtle differences.
And appeasement is SUPER subtle.
Am I being kind?
Or am I caught in appeasement?!
The TENSION in our bodies, the FIXATION, and COMPULSIVITY of our actions give it away. And often there's a power IMBALANCE that's against us.
If you notice you're trying desperately to get things right, or you feel like you're never satisfying someone...
CALL PAUSE!
Check in with your nervous system.
Maybe you're in a threat response right now?!
What do you NEED?
It might be enough to CALM a rising panic.
As always, these practices take time to make familiar, so if you do experience a panic attack, try as best as you can to NOT be embarrassed, you're in a threat response and what you need is KINDNESS, COMFORT and SUPPORT.
*You did not choose to have a panic attack!*
Your nervous system was just trying to CALIBRATE itself.
As we head into the silly season... and people pleasing seems to up it's ferocious pull... CALL PAUSE anytime you need!
**NOTE**Appeasement is more likely to be experienced by those granted less agency in a society. This can include women, POC, immigrants, minority genders/sexuality groups, lower class folk, the elderly, and those with disability or illness etc. It also affects those renting or with temporary work who have less agency and rely on being 'liked' for stability/safety**
Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@marcel_eberle...">Marcel Eberle</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/.../yellow-and-white-no-sign...">Unsplash</a>