"You're Triggering Me!" is Backwards
When I work with the West Australian Academy of Performing Arts (WAAPA) students on Consent we learn about
- What we OWN
- What we get to MAKE CHOICES ABOUT
- What we are RESPONSIBLE FOR
The work I teach stems from Betty Martin's legacy and we call it 'getting familiar with our domain.
And we make a list of what's in our domain - our body, actions, words, identity, sexuality, possessions, I.P, money, desires, likes, opinions, music and fashion tastes, beliefs, emotions...
Very often the conversation turns to triggers - “Who is responsible for triggers?!”
*The students are using the word 'trigger' in the socially common ways they’ve heard it used, they are most often not talking about clinical triggers - as in PTSD.*
But there is a prevailing idea that's been lingering in the social zeitgeist...
YOU are triggering me. My awful experience is YOUR fault. YOU need to do something to stop this awful experience.
Now, socially this is a kind thing to do "Oh sorry, I didn't realise scratching my fork on this plate would trigger you?" "I can totally stop."
BUT....
It's also backwards 'No one is triggering YOU.' 'YOU are feeling triggered.' We have to OWN our OWN feelings.
When I say this to the students I get some wide-eyed looks of shock - What an unkind thing to say Molly!!
But... in reality my emotions are in my domain. They are my responsibility. I am feeling triggered, but actually more accurately I am feeling upset, anxious, angry…
This is not semantic or linguistic. It's clarifying who's responsible for what.
Let me give another example to show why 'You are triggering me' is backwards.
Try this one...
YOU are making me horny. My horniness is YOUR fault. YOU need to do something to abate my sexual excitement. Ooooch! Now we see this thinking is not tenable.
In reality consensual relating looks more like this.
"Hmmm watching you do the dishes is marking me horny. Would you like to help me out with that?!"
"Happy to suds it up once I'm done with the dishes."
or
"Looks like you’ve got some solo loving coming up."
OR...
"Hey that all pink barbie jumpsuit is wigging me out. Can you help me out with that?"
"Sure, happy to tone it down with black pants. Does that help?"
or
"Oh no I'm totally obsessed with pink right now. I just gotta fully pink out! Shall we catch up next week when I’m over my Barbie craze?"
If I'm feeling anxious or horny, sad or proud, lonely or in love..
I'M feeling anxious. I'M feeling horny. I'M feeling sad, proud, lonely, in love...
That’s MINE
And if your lover, friend or foe ain’t willing to help you out, it is ultimately their choice. But you too can choose to walk away and meet you own needs.
Because you're the agent of your own life and you get to choose what you do when you're feeling triggered, horny, sad or in love.
Being responsible for my emotions doesn't mean I have nuanced skill in dealing with them. Skills take time to develop. But no one else can be responsible for my emotions. They are MY emotions. Only I can develop the skills agency and choice in what I do with them.
As we contribute to build consent culture lets...
*SENSE OUR BODIES*
*SHARE OUR TRUTH*
*LISTEN TO OTHER PEOPLES TRUTH*
*TALK THROUGH OPTIONS*
*MEET OUR OWN NEEDS*
*LET OTHERS MEET THEIR OWN NEEDS TOO...*
It’s the most respectful and mature thing we can do - for ourselves and for others.
Image by Teddy Graphic’s from Upsplash